what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
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