I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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