I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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