I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
