Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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