I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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