Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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