Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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