if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
