why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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