If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
