Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
