Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
