i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
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