I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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