please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
