dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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