thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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