So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
