i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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