If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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