Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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