I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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