I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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