when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize