If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
