You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
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