i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
