I wish my penis had an off switch
I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Small penises have feelings too.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
