i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
