i need an iv and a liver transplant
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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