I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
