I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
