Betty ford says i'm here all night
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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