I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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