oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
