I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
