like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
Randomize
