Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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