I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
she peed on how many people?
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I think a kid would responsible me up
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
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