you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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