if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
