i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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