I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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