I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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