He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Randomize
