My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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