So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
