im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
