apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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