My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Randomize
