I'm lost and stupid without you.
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
