Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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