I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
