Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
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