You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
