ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Randomize